I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
