How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
