she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
