god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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