Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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