Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
