community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
