Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
