New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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