you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
