Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
