You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
