Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
