so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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