Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
not ubering you a puppy
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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