I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
