I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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