So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
