I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
