Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
