I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
even my farts smell like vagina
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize