I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
