...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just found puke in my bra..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
