dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
