my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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