I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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