I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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