remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
