pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
