I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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