You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she peed on how many people?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
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