Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
