uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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