So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
