piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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