4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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