you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
