We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You can't just leave with hair like that
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
