So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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