Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
