Betty ford says i'm here all night
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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