someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize