I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
