I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
