in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
