You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize