guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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