Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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