Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
