I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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