he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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