That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
