Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
