So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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