I puked a lego.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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