i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
sarcasm needs its own font
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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