So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
