I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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