I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize