If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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