Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
