I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
