just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
