You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She's the barista slut.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
