Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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