Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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