She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He better not be in your backpack
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
