I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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