I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
