I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
