Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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